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Confessions of the Girl Who Drowned

Because this always happens. I hope and I pray and I start to let go and I begin to believe. I am cautious, but never cautious enough as I dive into what seems to be safe waters, and I end up broken, battered, and bruised. I start to doubt myself and wonder what it was that I missed this time; which red flag I wasn't able to catch, or even blatantly ignored. And then I come to wonder if I am the red flag that has been waving around the entire time, and the problem is me.

Maybe I should have not immersed myself completely and waded out only into shallow waters, where it's "nice" and safe, but nowhere near breathtaking. Maybe I should have waited for some sign, like a dolphin doing a triple back flip. Or maybe I should have never gone in at all. Maybe I should have fought to stay grounded and let just the waves lap at my feet.

At nights I find myself thinking and wondering if you were ever swept away by the same current that pulled me so deeply in love with you; if you drowned in the same emotions that I did. I wonder if you soaked up the same glorious feeling of being in love and loved in return. I wonder if walking out caused you as many bumps and bruises as I endured as I desperately tried to swim upstream and out to chase after you. A part of me wishes it hurt you just as much, but an even bigger part of me wishes you no harm.

And these are questions and thoughts that will just simply go unanswered. For the most part, I've swum out of it... but sometimes I find myself gasping for air, remembering what it was like in the water. Sometimes it's nice, reminiscing back on all the beautiful things we've seen and shared. Sometimes it's a bit sad realizing that it's too dangerous to even think about going back. Most times it's painful reliving the hardest parts of helplessly grasping for land, hoping you'd at least extend out a hand to help pull me up. The episodes are slowly shortening and becoming sparse in between, but part of me doesn't want that. I'm not ready to completely let you go, even if you decided to let me drown alone.

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