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  • Writer's picturessewan

Dear Desperate DiCaprio,

You're hot. I think you know that just as well as I do. You haven't aged that well, but you're still pretty good looking in my opinion. But that's just physical. There is so much more to you that makes you ugly to me.

I was just a quiet, nerdy school girl who you might have recognized walking around the halls of junior high and high school. I spoke when spoken to, and you were the life of every rally. You were liked by most, was in some honours classes, and was often recognized for your ability to balance your sports and academics. I really had nothing against you, our paths rarely passed. Maybe in a Disney movie, we would have been a shoo-in couple, but not so much in reality. In fact, we'd probably spoken no more than two sentences to each other over the course of the 6 years we were in the same school.

And then we graduated. Out of the blue, you messaged me on Facebook, saying we should hang out. Over the course of a couple weeks, you kept me updated on your life, and then disappeared. We never did hang out. I didn't think anything of it.

Then, a few months later, you reappeared on Facebook, telling me you missed high school. I had no idea why you were messaging me when we never conversed much before while we were in school. To be honest, I was a little flattered you remembered me.

However, the novelty of it passed. This pattern of talking to me for a bit and then completely disappearing off the face of the earth continued over the course of seven years. Yes, seven. You got increasingly more flirtatious. Do you realize that you've spent seven years in an on-and-off thingship with me? Do you know how ridiculous you are? I never meant to pursue anything with you, because you seem to be the master of disappearing and reappearing out of nowhere. I'm sure you never had intentions of pursuing me either, seeing as you kept disappearing. So what was this?

It felt too rude to ignore you; until recently, you never did cross the line enough for me be able to block you or say you were "coming onto me" without sounding like a self absorbed narcissist. It felt so condescending whenever you disappeared after a couple weeks of nice conversation, as though you felt like I was desperate enough to fall in love with you through a few compliments here and there. The worst part was finding out that you have been dating someone -- the same person you dated since high school. So what was I? Someone you talked to whenever you fought? Someone to keep your relationship less boring? Do you know how offensive it is? I was never good enough for you to pursue, but was good enough for you to intermittently flirt with? Was I just someone random you decided would talk to you whenever your girlfriend was unavailable to flirt with? What do you take me for? Worse: do you have more than one go-to girl? I don't even want to know, nor need to know.

Honestly, this is probably a problem you have to work out with your fiancee/wife. I appreciate your dedication over the past seven years of talking to me every now and then. But really, it's been a big insult. I have enough friends without needing your occasional messages and texts. I'd like to think I am capable enough to meet a guy without falling head-over-heels for your flirting. Maybe I'm even angrier at myself for being too timid to say anything about your constant appearances and disappearances in my life. I feel dumb for even remotely feeling attracted to you when you first messaged me all those years ago. Over the years, it's become a strange, recurring phenomenon. I was naive and thought of you as a lonely classmate just wanting to reach out to someone every so often, but wow. You really are something else. I'm done being angry, because I only feel sorry for your fiancee/wife. She deserves someone much better, and much more faithful.

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