Happy New Year!
It's been a couple of days, but that's because I've been in hibernation mode. Haha, I actually got a little sick before New Years Eve, but I wanted to brave it out and go to Time's Square... upon returning, though, I just slept.
Updated Day 31.
Watched a Korean drama from bed.
Haha, it has been honestly a pretty ... idle new year so far. But it was good. I actually took two weeks off for January, because I felt like I really needed the time to regroup and rethink.
My wallet is crying, but it is what it is. :)
This year, my only resolution is to pursue my interests.
These are the things that are so important to me, but I somehow lost sight of it when I began on this journey of "adulting". I've stopped writing as much, and my excuse is "uninspired". I've stopped dancing as much because "time". I've stopped filming because "lack of funds". I've stopped acting because "no reason to". But it's not. I'm not uninspired. My mind is exploding with a million thoughts of things to write about... stories, poems, scripts.... I have time to dance, I just decide to not dance, because I feel so out of practice. I don't film anymore because I am spending my energy on things that don't matter to me. I don't act anymore, because I don't believe that I can. But why don't I? Even if it's small projects with friends. I should. Why aren't I doing it? In the back of my mind are scripts that I can write and direct, and even act in, for fun, without any school project to force me into it.
I have ideas for novels that I want to write down, but I don't because I don't think it'll feed into my audience. When did writing become about others, and not something I enjoy? When did writing become something for someone else's passtime than my own? When did writing become something that doesn't express my innermost thoughts and concerns? I always had a goal: to inspire a conversation about mental health awareness. That was my calling, and somehow.. somewhere... I lost it to the world.
I have scripts with a full cast list in the back of my mind, unwritten and sometimes forgotten, because I don't think I have an audience. But so what? It was never about the audience. I loved being in theatre so much because it was NEVER about the audience, but the experience. I was never the best scriptwriter. I was never the best stage manager. Assistant director. Actor. Mentor. Singer. I was never the best anything, but I loved every part of it. I truly enjoyed writing scripts about imaginary people, and imagining how they would act. I loved telling people my vision, and watch them put their own twist to it and surprise me. I loved acting a part the way I imagined the character to be. I loved it. I have always loved every part of production, whether on stage, backstage, in front of a camera, or behind a camera. And I just let it sit on the side.
I have complete dances in my mind for songs I've heard or played on repeat. But I don't dance, because I have somehow become befuddled with the thought that I'm not good enough to dance. What? I have never been the best dancer, but I've always loved it. It was my life in high school. The one thing that probably kept me sane at 3AM in the morning when I needed to finish up a report. It let me let off steam when I wanted nothing than to bash someone's head in (excuse the violence). So why have I let it go, just because I don't think I'm good enough for a stage?
In 2017, I don't want to let others take control. I know what I want to do, and God be willing, I won't let anyone's judgement stop me. I have a job, and I have bills to pay, but why can't I do something on the side that I truly enjoy? It will be and can be hard at times, but passion keeps it alive. Passion keeps me alive. Someone once told me that I am one of the most passionate people they've met, and that's what they admired about me. But in the past year, I can sincerely say that I lived a lackluster life. I went to work with no fire in my spirit, and every time God picked me up, I let myself back down. It was an endless cycle of breaking down, and asking God for help, but it doesn't work that way. God is God through the hard times and the good; God lets us have the hard times so we can learn to stand up and walk with Him; it's time I picked up my cross and walked alongside Him,
What are some of your New Year's resolutions for the year? :)
Let me know and don't be a stranger!