In Choosing Community Over Comfort: A Journey
I took a two week hiatus (though not planned or intended) to take some time to heal. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been struggling a lot in terms of opening up to others and sharing my struggles - especially during times like these when there are so many other things going on in a global scale, but I finally came to a point where I could no longer mentally handle what was going on, especially in work and school. I shared on Instagram my struggles, asking for prayers, and I received so much from people I haven't even talked to in ages. They offered suggestions, prayers, good thoughts, and love, and I felt so much less alone in this struggle.
For the past two weeks, I've been mostly sleeping. I would wake up for morning devotionals, (try to) do a little bit of work, and just sleep from around 2pm to 8pm. It was really hard to complete my finals week as well as complete the work I was given. And because my focus was so bad from being drowsy, I would have to redo and recheck my work over and over again, and still probably not turn in accurate work. It's been straining my relationship with my coworker, and also just my relationship with myself. I haven't bashed on myself so hard in a while, and I've been so frustrated. Despite having the desire to do better and lean on the strength of God, I was so discouraged by my weakness as a human.
As this time of quarantine progresses, I feel that God is teaching me more and more of His sovereignty and glimpses of what he is calling me towards. I think at this point, it is very apparent that God is calling me away from the comforts of my life - having a steady income, living for people and money, and depending on myself. It's becoming so stark how the world calls us to live, and how the world demands us to seek joy in material wealth, yet there is something so much greater than that. Though I am thankful for having a means to provide, the greatest joys I have in these months of quarantine was receiving feedback and having deeper conversations through this blog and podcast, and being able to walk along side my friends, both in reality and online. Dear readers (and podcast listeners), it really means the world to me when you reach out and respond to y devotionals or episodes. :) I think it's really obvious what my next steps are, and where God is leading me towards, but still, I am praying for discernment in terms of timing - with the way things are progressing, it definitely feels like I am being called to just "go" in faith. It is terrifying, but also: it shouldn't be if I believe in God's Goodness, Sovereignty, and Providence.
It's still an ongoing journey that God is letting me embark on during this time - to choose community over comfort. Letting go of my fears regarding finances, people's judgments, and my own ego are honestly a lot harder than I thought it would be. Baby steps, though. I am slowly transitioning out of my current job. When I first began this job, I was required to use my own laptop, and it got fried from the systems I had to download, so I was given a laptop to use. I just bit the bullet and purchased a laptop for myself, so that I can return this laptop to my work without losing contact with this blog and my podcast. Speaking of which, as my voice is recovering, I should be able to FINALLY upload Episode 4 later on this week, and then an Episode 5. Episode 5 will be paying respects to Pride Month (I know it's the end of the month, but there's just been so much that's been happening lately!).
I hope you're all having a good day, and I hope to post again very soon! :)