Just a Random Post
I used to do a lot more semi-updates with my life that aren't just health updates and excuses for not posting, and I really miss having that fellowship with you all. I think sometimes it feels a little bit hard to open up as I go more into this blog, because I'm a really emotional person. Emotions aren't always the easiest to reign in, and I know that in the moment, I'm not always being the best steward of my faith. That, and sometimes life feels a lot more dramatic in the moment than it really is in the grand scheme of things. As I've become more disciplined in doing my devotionals, I think a lot of "crazy things" end up being addressed during these devotionals. I guess a lot of things end up not being shared, since I don't share my devotionals on a daily basis.
I've been taking a class on vocation, and one of the topics we covered recently is lament - that our feelings of anger or sadness and grief are valid, and important to address in sharing our faith. Christians are not robots that feel only calmness in the wake of a storm - the Psalms are an example of that! David pours out so much emotion towards God in all situations, and even when he questions why God had abandoned him in a moment, he expresses he knows God hasn't, and that it's simply beyond his understanding. He cries out for the broken, and he cries out for those without a voice. I'm still trying to figure out a balance in sharing with you all more of my life and being more raw with my emotions and who I am, and to refrain from being a stumbling block.
I guess these thoughts were really sparked by something that happened this past weekend. Heartbreak happens to the best of us, and I thought it might be helpful to someone to share this journey with you all. I've calmed down a lot from it, but I haven't really fully processed what had happened. Long story short, someone who made the decision to walk out of my life reached out to me. He is my biggest heartbreak to date (and hopefully ever), and the reason he walked out had nothing to do with his emotions, but the circumstances. I knew, and understood that. I accepted it, and knew I had to continue on with my life without him. It took a long time to heal, despite the head-knowledge that this choice is best, given our circumstances. I don't think it's wise to share exactly what the conversation was about, but I am sure many of you can guess.
As I've been thinking on throughout the day, I found myself grieving - I felt angry about the circumstances that were pushed upon us. Angry about his choice. Angry at myself for not fighting for us. Indignant at what he was told me. Sad over what could've, should've, would've. I poured over Ecclesiastes 8. We had a time, and the time was over. What could've, should've, and would've didn't and won't happen. Even though I had accepted this, I found myself reliving the anguish of having to part ways - this time, my decision. It isn't because of any circumstance, but because I am no longer the same person I was. I'm happy now with whom God has brought me with, and I have no intention of being wishy washy and putting the same turmoil I felt on someone else. Our time has passed, and decisions were already made. James 4:7 says "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" - God is sovereign, even in the decision he first made to walk away from me. We must submit to that and refrain from sinning against those in our lives who are affected by this new decision and revelation.
I grieved, still am grieving, the "end of an era" (because I like dramatic phrases), and I'm still trying to come to terms with what just happened. I'm still really angry, I feel frustrated, and I don't understand where this updated situation is coming from. It really hit me randomly, going from literally no contact to this. I'm grieving and am sad for the people involved in the situation. I'm confused, because I don't know how the perpetrators of this situation are dealing with this new decision to rebel. And lastly, I grieve because I'm realizing that the should've, would've, could've mindset was right and yet wrong. If everything that happened led to this moment, why did it even happen? The heartbreak, the wandering, and the confusion were so overwhelming at the time - it's still overwhelming, and I feel like I'm re-living it. I won't lie - for a long time, I had wished, yet felt bad for wishing, that something like this would happen. My thoughts were so sinful, and yet I felt so unjustly cast aside! I was torn between this feeling of self-righteousness, wishing for some kind of control over the situation, and submitting to God's Will. Now that I'm in a better place, why is this being dug up again? Is this a joke?
I'm not sure what exactly to feel; it's been an entire day, but I don't think it's fully sunk in yet. I can't help but look to Job's example, and wonder: "Is this another bet God is having with Satan?" Of course, what I'm going through is nowhere near as dire as the losses Job endured, but I'm an overly dramatic, ego-centric girl in her mid twenties, and I need to vent and complain and cry out! But on the other hand, who am I to question and wonder? I know that God has me, and this situation is under His control, but good golly...
And now as I'm typing this, I'm wondering if this should even be posted on a public platform. As you can probably tell, my thoughts and feelings are always all over the place, and it's hard for me sometimes to come to terms with whether or not it would be wise to allow others to witness this side of me. So if you read this, then you know where God led me :)