The Truth

Hello! It has been a long time, and my life is starting to reach a point of being balanced again. Even before my hiatus, you may have noticed a large decrease in me posting up pictures of my travels. The vlogs I had filmed and planned to post were never even posted, and I want to be honest with you, my faithful readers, as to why.

For almost two years of my life, I spent my Monday-Friday trapped in my car for two hours, escaping for a moment as I go to my next prison: my cubicle. After 9 hours of work, I would again encase myeslf in my car, and drive for two hours to reach home. Aside from the regular 15 minute breaks and lunchtime, I held my breath, wondering if I was making an ethical sale, if my sales were being modified and stolen, or if my hard-earned commission was being cancelled out due to technical difficulties. I held my breath every morning as I checked shipping statuses during my time between calls, and wondering if I could make the sale that would qualify me to even receive commission for the month. I bit my lip as complaints piled in on a daily basis, and I would be told I deserve to die and eat sh*t. I bit my inner cheek as slimy older men used Chinese figurative speech to hit on me, thinking someone who sounds like an ABC wouldn't understand what they were insinuating. I bit my tongue as my manager made sexual comments on a daily basis, and was told by coworkers to let it go, because "he wasn't raised with a good education and upbringing". I fiddled with my thumbs and picked at my skin as I sat through team meeting after team meeting of bashing other teams. I braced myself with a heavy coat and heavy heart as I closed the door to monthly audits with my perverted manager. It was all worth it, I told myself -- as a newly graduated girl with a Bachelor's in a field that requires at least a Masters to do anything with my life, I thought this would be as good as I could get. To be honest, as stressful as my job was, it was easy. I could technically go home and not worry about anything. Even without my commission, my base pay was more than enough for a comfortable living. I was living "the life".

I thought maybe the problem was me: I expected there to be a job where life would be "easy". I thought that maybe I just had to change myself, and go out and do something cool, so I wouldn't feel so trapped. I entered Miss Los Angeles Chinatown, thinking I would be able to somehow fall in love with my job because I was actively doing other things. However, the opposite happened. I thought I hated my job because I lacked confidence in what I was doing -- I thought because I wasn't confident, I was constantly scared of saying or doing the wrong thing. I thought that because I wasn't confident, it made my manager tease me more. I thought that because I wasn't confident, I was scared of losing sales. Joining MLAC made me realize that it was my confidence that let me know that I am worth more than being harassed on a daily basis. After my journey with MLAC, I found myself wanting even more to break free from my job. I invested in a life coach, and that life coach walked with me into applying to new jobs and finally leaving.

That brings me to my second "big girl" real job. I became a flight attendant. I'm sure you all have a million and one questions about what it's like being a flight attendant. All I can say is: when it's good, it's amazing. When it's bad, it's like the fiery pits of Hell came in the form of the loathed and feared scheduling crew. That being said, I loved my job. It gave me the freedom to travel, and I could deal with the bad scheduling on most days. Of course, I'd be anxious when I was reaching the end of a shift, and I wasn't sure if I would be assigned something tiring. I would sometimes work with not-so-great coworkers. There was always a fear of crashing, stowaways, and terrorist attacks, but those are fears associated with travelling by plane in general. I started doing photography on the side to pay the bills. I always loved taking pictures of things I see, but as it became a JOB, I began to lose the excitement of waking up to my sunrise and sunset alarms. I began to lose interest in travel, and it became all about money. It became what trips I can get to get money-making photos. I needed to put my camera away and just use my phone to take personal pictures, in order to keep myself focused on what my actual job is. My finances definitely took a huge impact with that decision, and I found myself constantly calculating my expenses and having to reach into my savings just to pay bills. I grew frustrated, and soon realized that this was simply not the way. I couldn't keep being a flight attendant unless I won the lottery or got myself a sugar daddy.

I needed change. I've worked both sides of the spectrum: a super strict but high paying job, and a super-relaxed but underpaid job. Ideally, I'd like to become a full time blogger and photographer. I'd be my own boss of my own time, where and how I work. I'd be doing what I love, and in the ideal world, it'll pay the bills. Unfortunately... that's not really how it works. I can't pay the bills just running this blog. The photography gigs paid me a bit, but it wasn't consistent. I also didn't really have the equipment to create higher quality work to charge more. I began to ask myself: Is it realistic to be in a super high paying job in order save up, and then lose it all to pursue something I'm interested in?

As most of you know, my family went through a huge change with the passing of my daddy. Financially, it was pretty much the same, I guess. My sister and I were pretty much the breadwinners at that point, and help out my mother with expenses. However, that was the push I needed to leave my job. I applied for FMLA, and eventually secured a full-time job back in Southern California. With hours that (mostly) ran from early morning to early afternoon, I was given the luxury of spending the rest of the day doing other things. I focused on my interests - working out, dance, art, writing, and photography. I'm not going to lie, it is a challenge, but I feel so much more free, both financially and creatively.

Starting now, I will be posting a lot more regularly, and I mean it. Before, I was always on a bad schedule, and things with my family got really hectic as my daddy got sicker and sicker. I never really fully disclosed all that information at the time, and I just let myself fall into the habit of breaking promises to you over and over again. When I went on hiatus for this blog, I wanted to take time to find myself and create things that my daddy would be proud of; I think I've gotten to a place in my life where I can do that. Daddy, this blog is for you. I love you.