Wednesday in the Word
Wow, it has been a hot minute since I've posted a Wednesday in the Word. It's almost scary how quickly time slips away from us. I know I'm super-fail at trying to keep my New Year's resolutions, and this year is almost over, already. Alas, every day is a new beginning! I'm very backed up on video editing, and it's been a challenge to get myself motivated to do much of anything in the little free time that I have to escape from work and the world. It's been a lot easier to just retreat into myself and/or just spend time with friends that I haven't seen in way too long. Life always feels easier when there's almost nothing going on, and we're able to adjust our time the way we want to.
To be completely honest, in these past couple of months, I've pretty much been surrounding myself with negativity: anger, frustration, and apathy. I am really worn out. My body is more than a little torn up. My hand still isn't fully better, and it's been really hard for me to be gracious and kind to the scheduling team for constantly throwing me on flights. I feel like even when I see my friends, I am so short in my attention span: not because I don't want to focus on them, but because I'm literally crashing and falling asleep. I can't bring myself to care about things, and it's gotten to the point where my anxiety has caught up with me. I have been constantly having those light headed, heart racing, and stomach dropping moments whenever my phone rings. It's the part of me that wants so badly to take control of my life again, and call all the shots. It really took this week off for me to refocus, and remind myself why I decided to take on this job. I had asked God for a job that would challenge my faith, and stretch me to believe. I had promised: "i'll be where You want me to be." I knew coming into this job that there will be frustrating times where the days I want off (and had traded really hard to get off) will be rolled, and I will be in a frustrating spiral of being trapped in a schedule that doesn't correlate with plans already made. It's not really fair for me then, to be upset with scheduling for doing what they do best: mess up our plans. I know even saying it that way sounds bitter (I pinky promise, they never roll the days that don't matter and are just "place holders"; they only roll days that we already made plans for), but that's because I really am kind of bitter. However, that's not really upholding my end of the deal: I'm not letting God put me where He wants me to be.
Yesterday, however, I got to meet up with a friend. Talking to him really reminded me what it meant for me to travel. The conversation was such an encouragement. I think it's funny how God puts certain people in our lives during specific seasons to remind us that His Will is so much beyond what we see for ourselves. I have said countless times that I have plans for myself beyond being a flight attendant, but what if I'm a flight attendant for a reason? The past few weeks, I have been seriously considering leaving flight attending for a job that pays better, and gives me a little bit more stability. It really isn't easy to basically be paying for your job, especially when that job throws you around the world and keeps you from seeing your friends and family. I have been feeling so discouraged when I look at my paycheck, and even moreso discouraged when everyone keeps praising the lifestyle I have. I felt like I was trapped in a lie, barely paying my bills, but everyone expected me to be vacationing every day by the pool, snapping photos in photography hot spots, and just having smiley days up in the air. It didn't seem appropriate to show a side of my job that wasn't so glamourous when it was giving me so many blessed opportunities to go to place I never thought I'd have the opportunity to go to. I felt ungrateful, yet a part of me was screaming inside for an outlet. I felt that not only did I have to continue branding my Instagram with travel photography that helped me reach an audience and revenue, I had to pretend that it was all incredible. Sure, I would say a few things here on my blog, but I know a lot of people don't read actual blog posts: they like to look at pretty pictures and watch vlogs. I felt more and more alone, and I felt like I was pushing away everyone -- not just my followers here, but also my friends from home. The only people I could confide in were coworkers, but I had long since felt like an outcast, as most other flight attendants seemed to have someone else financially supporting them, or had years upon years of savings, and flight attending was their idea of budgeting out a "few years to travelling". I felt lonelier and lonelier as my dark thoughts spiraled me down into a never ending sinkhole of anxiety and Sharon-ness. However, talking to my friend reignited that excitement in me for travelling and courage to continue on with this journey I've begun. After a couple days of resting, I realized that really, the only thing I wanted to talk about was the travel. The great places I got to see, and what a blessing it is to experience different cultures. It has been incredible, being able to witness sunrises and sunsets from all different angles of Earth and just simply stand in awe of what God has created. This entire journey has opened up so many doors for me, especially in my blog and photography. Even if down the road, I am no longer flight attending, these experiences have paved a road for me -- a road that wouldn't exist were I not a flight attendant.
Do I think I'm going to flight attend for a bajillion years? No. But who knows? If He wants me to go in another direction, then I guess the opportunity will present itself eventually. I have been looking into other jobs, but to be honest: nothing really suits my fancy. This is where people are going to go bonkers and say that millennials are entitled to finding jobs we like, and I'm just an example of that, but hey, people also didn't need to know all 26 letters of the alphabet to be hired into a top paying, headset-cubicle job 15 years ago, so please excuse us for feeling like we should have a bit of choice after paying thousands of dollars and our youth into getting a Bachelor's degree. Anyhow, not just that, but despite all the hardships and people urging me to move onto another job, I feel like something is keeping me here. Maybe it's the travel benefits and my travel bug and inclination to not like staying in one place for long. Or, maybe, God has plans for me here. That's something I really have to pray more about, and for now, I really have to remember:
"For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He knows your going through this great wilderness. These forty years the Lord your God has been with you. You have lacked nothing." Deuteronomy 2:7
It can definitely feel like you're alone when you're doing something that everyone else doesn't seem to be doing. It can get pretty hard when others don't seem very encouraging of you to venture out into what is "unknown". However, in our hearts, God has given us joy for certain things for a reason. My friend really reminded me of that: we are all given and blessed with different gifts that lead us towards certain career choices. Sure, life happens and we end up in desk jobs, but if we know in our hearts that we were called to do something else, then who are we to deny that calling? If we know God will bless us in what we do, then why be afraid to do something crazy and against logic? Why not acknowledge that He is with us in our toughest adventures? Why not let ourselves praise God in the hard times, and let His testimony live through us? Why must we lock ourselves in a comfort zone, when there's so much more to life that has been given to us? We truly lack nothing, except what we are unwilling to let go of.
In what ways have God been encouraging you these days? Let me know, I'd love to hear more about it :) And don't be a stranger; my contact information is up, so if you ever need a friend, don't hesitate to e-mail or DM me! I love getting e-mails from you guys <3 I feel like we're online pen pals :)
Mini update: nstead of doing destination vlogging, I think I will do a July and August vlog, because it really has been piling up, so stay tuned! I don't even remember all the destinations I got to film in these past couple of months... I will be doing a 2017 Solar Eclipse one separately, and that one will actually be up first. :)