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Wednesday in the Word | Road to Recovery | Being Sick During the Pandemic

A couple days ago, I decided I would begin documenting my journey in recovery. I can't honestly pinpoint what made me pick up my camera and begin recording my long, rambling thoughts, especially since I know I tend to repeat myself when I don't have a script. However, this was probably one of the most freeing moments - recognizing my sin of "being okay".

I've given snippets here and there throughout my blogging, and to be honest, I don't know how many people actually care. Probably not very many. But ultimately, God puts us in situations for a larger reason than ourselves - a reason greater than our own emotions and own selfish ambitions. In my sin and selfishness, I realized that by remaining mum, or even simply complaining about my issues without any intentions or path... led me nowhere. I wasn't seeking pity, I was seeking community... and yet I rejected community by not being able to fully disclose some of the most wretched feelings and sinful thoughts that ate away at my heart, mind, and soul.

Today, my devotionals explained to me exactly where I have been: in sin. If you have New Morning Mercies, then you may know, today's opening sentence is, "Why is it so hard for so many of us to ask for help?" I felt so called out, and as I continued reading the passage, this was what it reminded me: "It is hard to accept, but vital to humbly admit. Bad things happen when we attempt to live as we were not created to live. Sin causes us to deny our need for God and others."

Our journey here on earth as Christians does not call us to be perfect, nor does it call us to be self-sufficient - we need Christ! And in needing Christ, we must suffer. It sounds bleak, but our sufferings are not meant to be something that is against us, but a part of a greater testimony for God. Though today's devotionals led me to James 3:16-19, I think that I was more deeply encouraged and impacted on a reflection my church sister had in Psalm 9:

"Arise, O Lord! Let man not prevail; let the nations be judged before you! Put them in fear, O Lord! Let the nations know they are but men!" - Psalm 9:19-20

Throughout Psalm 9, David laments the struggles of facing the enemy and seeing God's judgement upon nations and the wicked (described as anyone against God), and yet in the end, David ends with hope. His ending words are not in spite of men and nations, but instead believing that through any turmoil and judgement and punishment, that man can recognize God's sovereignty and greatness, and learn to fear God - to recognize that they are but man, and cannot take on the role of God.

It was a reminder that regardless of what happens within our lives, our testimony is not our own, but instead a part of a much larger picture. I asked myself this before: if I were to never heal, would I still know God is good? And if I were to be left penniless, would I still love God? I want to say yes, an undeniable "YES!". But in looking deeper into my sins and my continual turmoil of walking around in faithless circles, I realize I am much more like the Israelites wandering the desert faithlessly, despite all that God provides during the forty years.

If I were to be honest with myself, in my seeking God during this time, it is because I don't see God. I don't see nor trust how he can turn this entire situation around. As I've mentioned in my video, hindsight is 20/20... but how great would it be if my vision was never unfocused on God, and was always 20/20? I'm trying now to look further beyond my own circumstances, and what I need and want. Ultimately, I have anxieties and desires and things that I "think" I really need, as I voiced in the video. But there's a much greater purpose to what I'm going through, I'm sure. And rather than praying only for my healing and my financial situation, I realize I must pray to be a blessing channel - that though I am struggling, that perhaps this journey is a path for someone else to see Christ.

As I mentioned in the video, I hope that more than simply documenting for my ownssake, I hope that this journey can be a beacon of light for others, if even to let them not feel alone in their own state of fear, loneliness, anxiety, etc. Please keep me accountable in continually seeking the good - that despite feeling negativity, that I would remember consistently that God has a purpose. That though I may have earthly reasons to complain, I'll look to the heavenly for rejoicing. I know I cried quite a few times in the video and also talked about my struggles and sin - feelings do have a place in faith, but they should not overcome purpose in God. Not only is this a Road to Recovery from whatever it is that I have, but I pray that this documents my Road to Recovery from this sinful nature of looking inwards, and can teach me more of how to be compassionate and reach out to others.

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