It feels like it has been so long since I've posted! honestly, it really only has been two days (the equivalent to a weekend), but it feels much longer. Yesterday was the first time in a long time that I shirked on the Wednesday in the Word series, but I honestly really needed to just take time to meditate and prepare myself for "The Talk". I've also been feeling pretty under the weather these past few days, so it has been a bit of a struggle to even stay awake, aware, and conscious. I did just want to give a small update regarding The Situation and The Talk.
Good golly, what a day yesterday was. Health-wise, I felt like absolute poop. I was sniffly, coughing, and a headache was brewing all day, despite the fact that I had gone to sleep quite early Tuesday evening. I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours, and I ordered food to be delivered to work, only to have it be an hour late. And then after work, I went to a cafe to get some work done, but my car (which just had an oil change and was running just fine) decided it didn't want to start. Thankfully I wanted to get to the meeting place early to pray over it, so I had plenty of leeway when it came to figuring out a way to fix it. A Starbucks employee had a car jumping device, which was predictably out of juice and needed to be charged first. All in all, it took about 45 minutes just to get my car ready to go. It was just one of those no-good days and I dreaded more and more facing the person and talking things out. With the way things were going, it just didn't seem like there was anything good that could transpire from the talk.
My heart was definitely not in the right place as I drove around in circles to recharge my car battery, and I honestly felt so lost, both physically and emotionally. I was frustrated at everything in my interactions (or lack thereof) with that person, I was feeling miserable because I was sick, I was worried about my car, and it felt like all the bad things of the day was caving in on me. Yes, I was very grateful for the random Starbucks employee who had a battery charging thingy with him and was willing to charge it up to help me. I was very grateful to the random strangers who drove up to ask if I needed any help. And I was glad that the food delivery person didn't run off with my food and leave me to starve. But in that moment, it felt like the bad was overcoming the good, and I found myself losing faith in the conversation that was to be had. I braced myself for the worst, and ran through all my talking points in my head.
Seeing that person was not that bad at first. We were able to be honest, joke around, and laugh at each other. It made me even more frustrated and confused at why that person decided it would be more effective to block me on everything and ask a mediator to mediate, instead of talking to me directly or just telling me that they felt a mediator would be helpful. There was obviously no hatred there, so why block someone who just wanted an honest, adult conversation without any form of explanation? It seemed so counter-intuitive to me, and fed my anger.
Did I ultimately get the answers I wanted? No. I wasn't sure if it was due to the fact that there was an audience that the person was unable to answer, if they were simply unwilling to dig deeper inside to find the answers, whether they were answers that the person just didn't want to express, or just didn't want to face. It was frustrating, watching as the two mediators reword my questions and press again for answers to receive apologies that weren't asked for and words that barely correlated to my query.
In the end, I was satisfied in just knowing that whatever happened, and will happen, is in God's will. For me, my pride and ego were pretty hurt by this person's actions, but even in laying that down, I had such a heavy heart that was burdened by how it had obviously effected this person's spiritual life, and it upset me that this person didn't even seem to see that.
I'm glad that we both got the chance to just talk about things in a non-hostile environment.
We did come to a compromise. I didn't agree with everything that was said, but I do know that compromises are give and take. In the meantime, I'll remain curious as to what is in store for our friendship :)