If you've been following me for a while, you know that I suffer from anxiety. When I say relationship anxiety, I don't mean anxiety about romantic relationships, but relationships in general. I have a lot of anxiety, and that actually manifests a lot in my relationships with people.
Am I doing too little for this person?
Am I doing too much?
Am I going to get hurt?
Oh God, s/he hates me.
They must have found someone better.
Are they hurt or something?
Do I make them do too much for me?
Am I being too needy?
*Scroll up in conversation to see timing pattern.*
Maybe they're just sick of me.
I was too needy, wasn't I?
Did that mean this.... or that?
These are thoughts and actions that go through my mind for every relationship I have. It drives me completely nuts and to tears, especially when I have a bad day.
Today was a pretty bad day. I originally had a trip to Zurich, and I had already planned everything for packing. I even stayed up until 3:30AM so that I could sleep in later and be refreshed for the late afternoon flight. What happened first was that the flight was taken by someone with higher seniority, which was disappointing, but not devastating.
I fell back asleep soon after finding out, and I forgot that today was the day a cleaner comes to our place. I woke up while she was vacuuming, and so I asked the cleaner if she'd like help, or for me to get out. She told me to stay in bed, and later on, I was "spoken to". I was told that I have to comply with the cleaning day rules and leave the room.
I was frustrated because whenever I am here, I do help out and clear the room for the cleaner, while several other housemates of mine will purposely go back to sleep when they realize it's a Tuesday, and put in ear plugs or leave the house to avoid having to help out. I was tired, cranky, and I felt upset because I wish the person who "told on me" would have talked to me beforehand, especially since she has seen me help out multiple times in the past. The anxiety in me built up and I have just had a knot in my stomach the entire day about the situation.
I felt like the situation put a dent in the relationship I have not only with the housemate who "told on me", but it also made me feel so self righteous against the roommates who deliberately do not help out during cleaning day, and I feel so ashamed around the housing supervisor (I don't really know what to call her). The whole situation threw me completely out of whack for the entire day.
I wish I could have an off switch for my neurotic brain, but it's futile. I know. Part of me thinks I'm crazy, and the other, rational part of myself knows that I am just experiencing anxiety. I want to curl up and have a good cry, but then I can't really justify my crying because I know my thoughts are just thoughts and not reality. I want to curl up and be hugged, but then I would have to explain why I want a hug, and that's not really ideal, either.
I'm kind of a mess today. It happens. I know I'll wake up to a brighter sunrise, though.
ONWARDS, tomorrow. Have a lovely day, everyone <3