transparent

Hello there! I know this is another late(r) post, but I should be soon able to post with a more regular schedule every day! It is going to be grueling as I take my next steps deeper into my work, especially with the forthcoming school load, but God is good, and the hardest part, work wise, has passed. I am ready to take on new challenges, and I invite you to join me~ From my posts from last week, I think it's pretty obvious that I have a pretty intense struggle with someone, and it has been yet to be solved. I want to be transparent with you: it's been really hard. I suppose the update is that a mediator had set up a conversation, but plans for that have been postponed. There was a ministry activity this weekend, and this situation really put a damper on things, for me personally. It upset me a lot that the person decided not to attend, though this is an event they usually participate in serving in. It made me even more upset that others were able to recognize this person's absence, and I just felt really at a loss. I am a huge feeler, and it gets pretty intense when I am able to back my feelings up logically. In knowing that I am often just much more of a feeler than a logical person, I tend to suppress my feelings and tell myself to calm down until I can figure out a logical reasoning to support them. For this situation, I have been feeling really, really hurt, and my logic has been pushing forth my anger and frustration. I know that ultimately, these are all things I need to surrender to God, but it's honestly really hard. I know that I am being very self-righteous and biased in my explanation of the situation, but I cannot help but feel like in my relationship with this person, I have been constantly surrendering. And in the moment that I asked for them to surrender their pride, I became unworthy of love. In the person's words, "I don't want to, you're not worth it." That was such a huge blow to my ego and heart, and for a while now, I have been struggling to surrender my own hurt ego and pride. However, even in disregarding my ego and pride in the situation, my heart remains broken. It's been days of requesting for answers, and receiving nothing but silence, "I don't know"s, and ultimately avoidance. I'll be completely honest, one of the most frustrating things is not just recognizing how this situation is affecting that person's spiritual life and commitments, but my own. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells, and it makes me feel like I'm going crazy trying to get answers that aren't being answered. I have reached out so many times, asked so many times... just to receive nothing but getting blocked. It's making me feel guilty and shirk away as well. Especially in a setting where this person and I are serving in the same church and ministry, it is imperative to fix this issue asap, and resume contact. I've been frustrated and lashing out at others who aren't involved with this ordeal, and I find myself getting very overwhelmed by this circumstance that I cannot control. I would say that my control-freak tendencies have died down significantly since my high school days, but this has been a really, really hard situation to lay down and disregard. I know that ultimately, I have to lay these emotions down before God and trust that this will be resolved through Him. I definitely hope that all of you are starting off your week with a more positive note! Please pray for us that we can get this situation sorted out :)