Stubbornness is a horrible affliction. I'm a bit 소심 and I need to be very sure about something before going to pursue it. Once I know what I want, I am extremely straight forward about it, and I strive to reach it at 10,000%. That's probably part of why once I have my mind set, it is extremely hard to get me to let it go.
In a Bible Study group, we have been going through 1 Samuel, and I was really struck by how Hannah prayed to God -- she requested a son if it is in God's Will, and offered her son before she even received him, and thanked Him for delivering her from her afflictions. She was so confident in God's ability to provide and give her what she asked, that she immediately ended her fast after she received a blessing from the high priest. For myself personally, I would still be afflicted with uncertainty, even after being affirmed. How many times do we pray to the point of knowing that our will is aligned with God's Will?
"And she vowed a vow and said, “O Lord of hosts, if you will indeed look on the affliction of your servant and remember me and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a son, then I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and no razor shall touch his head.”... And she said, “Let your servant find favor in your eyes.” Then the woman went her way and ate, and her face was no longer sad." 1 Samuel 1:11-18
As I mentioned last week, we were studying Joshua in the bible study class, and how Joshua courageously headed into battle with all the seemingly silly battle tactics God said would work. His faith was worth more to him than the wise battle strategies of the world, because he was rooted in God's affirmation that victory had been given to them. Through Hannah, we see someone who has that same quality of fearlessly going forth for the Lord, outside of a battle scene. Though I can pretty confidently say that I am someone who will be very blatant and confront issues regarding others (Joshua), I am not so great at confronting myself (Hannah). I can be pretty bold with asking questions, demanding and saying things to others, but my heart beats at an anxious rate, and my actions fall short of faithfulness. I find it hard to just stop and let God take control.
I am the kind of person who keeps praying for clarity even after God has clearly revealed His will and desire in situations. This week, it has been especially applicable. God has clearly given me reassurance in a situation that has been plaguing my heart for the past year and a half. Yet I find myself afraid. I have taken the first step and confronted the issue, yet I am still so afraid to fully fight for what is mine, and rejoice in God's victory over the circumstance. A part of me is afraid to celebrate before it happens, but why if God says it will be done? All that I see are the things of this world that will stop the fulfillment of what God has said is His Will, and even though in my mind I know that God is not of this world, my heart remains faithless that circumstances can change.
It has been really encouraging and a rebuke to me -- why is my faith so little? Am I willing to offer back to God what He says He will give to me? How can what I have asked for be glorifying to God, rather than just laying to rest my anxieties and frustrations of not having what I want? How can I better align my desires to God's? How can I better remember that He is the only one that can satisfy the desires of my heart? Instead of just confronting and resolving my conflict with others, how can I confront and resolve my own heart to reflect that same kind of faith and peace? Ultimately, I am still grasping onto my own abilities and actions, rather than grasping onto God's promises with childlike faith in Him.
What are some things you struggle with having faith to do?
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