At the root of feeling frustrated, crazy, and desperate is a longing for freedom. As human beans, we are not really free to do anything. Everything we do has a promise of consequence, whether positive or negative. There are others' opinions and feelings to consider, and ultimately, our decisions change more than just a moment in time.
For the past months, I've been mulling over a situation that is beyond my control. In the end, I still cannot change reality, and while I still wish I could, I have to concede to the fact that I know I can't. Life is full of these kind of situations, and whether we allow ourselves to be tied up and bound with by them and let it weigh us down is completely up to us. Of course, it's not easy to just run free from our own crazy thoughts and fantasies and "what ifs". If it were easy, then life would be just a boring mess, since we can control matters of the heart.
I once argued with someone that we can all choose whether or not we love on someone, but we don't get to choose if we love or not. I stick to my argument -- I can choose my actions, even if it's hard. I might not be able to control my emotions (or lack thereof) behind my actions, but as a grown woman, I should have the EQ to not let these things control my life. I can be sad and upset about something and choose to allow myself a couple good cries and move on with life. We are never meant to be bound by what our emotions limit us to, but always to be moved. At times, our emotions cannot match our actions in a given circumstance or situation, but being able to push on speaks volumes about who we are. "Actions speak louder than words" -- how loudly do you proclaim the Gospel by loving on someone your heart has decided to despise? We are set free by the truth: Jesus Christ died for us when we embodied the very essence of sin -- He died for those who screamed and yelled in favour of his crucifixion. So how can we choose to do any less for those who have offended us less?
All I wanted to do was to find someone to hate. I tried to hate the person directly involved, because if only he stood up for me, everything would be rainbows and butterflies. I tried to hate the people who were secondarily involved, because "if only they knew", we wouldn't be in this situation. I hated myself for not grasping on hard enough and preventing the situation. These feelings just hallowed out a hole in my heart that felt impossible to fix. I knew I needed Jesus to mend the hole, but the more I needed Him to fix my heart, the more I looked to try and fix the situation on my own. That burden and stress pulled me in deeper and deeper into despair, when nothing seemed to work. And even when there were precious moments of triumphant "AHA!" when my actions made a difference, it would be very quickly overcome with disappointment fueled by my greed for further change. I would also sometimes feel guilty for pushing something that I knew it was wrong, but I felt so self-righteous in the situation. Perhaps in the eyes of man, my actions are right. I do have a right to be angry, push for recognition and my personal justice, but in the eyes of God, I must be patient and wait for His timing.
It's still a work in progress, but I am working on changing myself and living my life in a way that is free. Free from the anger, sadness, loneliness, and hatred within my heart by living in faith that God has already planned the perfect plan for me. I can be free of the burdens of planning and scheming my way into the life I want, because it's already been taken care of.
"My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." - Psalms 121:2