Wednesday in the Word

Technically, it's Thursday now. Okay, not even "technically". It's practically the middle of Thursday now. October was a really, really hard month, but November is a new month, so cheers to a new start!

I don't know if it was obvious from my post on anxiety, but I have been struggling a lot in October. I didn't really realize how much Benny's death had affected me. I began tracking traffic news in places all around the world where I have friends and family. I got really anxious when people don't answer to my text messages, which snowballed into checking if they're okay by tracking their social media. Then, that would translate to "If they're online, why aren't they answering me?" I know, I sound like a crazy girlfriend, but I was doing it to everyone; imagine a crazy girlfriend who is everyone's girlfriend. I felt so exhausted. I knew I sounded crazy, so I bottled up all my feelings of fear and upsetness and just kept praying for their safety. I would pray and not find peace. I lost so much sleep over every unanswered conversation until I got an answer. I wanted to have the courage to be completely honest about my feelings, but I couldn't find it in me to open up about these feelings.

Then, it happened. On October 22nd, an alumni of my University was arrested for a DUI, which caused the death of her long time friend, who also happens to be the girlfriend of my high school classmate. I don't know them very well, but these past few times have been so close to home. Will it be someone I am close to next? Last October, we lost a high school classmate to suicide, and the list seems to continue getting longer. Are we supposed to be at the age where people around start to leave us? I have experienced death of friends before, but I never expected it to be at this rate; I thought I had at least forty more years before I begin to experience this kind of fear. This caused an even more pronounced sense of anxiety, and I simply... couldn't.

I finally completely broke down on the 30th. I couldn't function. Luckily, I didn't have work that day, but I literally woke up, threw up, ate a couple spoonfuls of oatmeal, threw up, and cried. I couldn't stop crying. I called my sister, I talked to my good friends, and continued to cry never ending tears. I knew I had to stop turning to men and turn to the Lord and pray, but I couldn't bring myself to. In that moment, I needed the immediate gratification of hearing someone's voice and just letting it out to someone. I knew something was wrong with me, and I knew that I couldn't let these circumstances control me. I was giving in and letting others dictate how I felt and act, because I was no longer letting God take the wheel. I was spinning out of control, and I was asking for people who could help me steer.

Death is going to cause mourning, regardless of age, sickness, etc. But at the very least, with Christ, we know separation is not eternal, for we have eternal life, where we will meet again. But what about the friends and family members who aren't saved through faith? What about those we don't know? And... that's why fellowship is important. Evangelism is important. How can we live with the Good News of Heaven and Eternal Life, but let others die to Eternal Death without doing anything? Again and again, God cements for me the importance of sharing the Gospel. It's easy to "designate" a time and a way to share the Gospel message, but for "real people" in our lives, it gets so hard. It gets hard to share in the midst of a conversation with someone who you know doesn't believe. I have friends who are atheists and agnostic. I have friends who worship different Gods, and I realize that I don't take advantage of every moment I have with them to evangelize. I might not see them again. I might not have a second chance.

"Humble yourselves, therefore under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you" - 1 Peter 5:6-7

I don't have the power to change anyone's heart, nor do I have the power to stop or change what has happened, is happening, or will happen. I do however, have the Holy Spirit. I have prayer. And I have the choice to act upon my beliefs: to love, care, and share. I need to trust Him to take care of the rest. That doesn't mean sitting on my butt, believing that everything is "okay", because "God has got it". But instead, acting in faith because I know it will be okay, and God has our best intentions. I can lay my anxieties onto Him in faith that while things may not always go my way, it will go His way: the way it is meant to be.

I am still in the healing process of all that has happened. My health is still not fully recovered from the past month of turmoil, insomnia, and the added physical stress of flying has definitely impacted me a lot more than usual. I am still not feeling my best, but I'm getting better. New month, new beginnings, new opportunities. <3

Welcome to November <3

Hope your month is going swell.