6 Months Later

Wow, I can't believe it's already been almost six months since my last post about losing my dear little Nappeunni :( Grief really is a funny thing - it hits you out of nowhere, even when for the most part you feel healed and better. I miss him a little more some days, and it was definitely a bit hard this month, celebrating my first birthday without his cute little vicious claws attaching themselves to me, and cute and cuddly little white paws to play with.

It has been a whirlwind of a month - well, 6 months - but I can't really pinpoint exactly what made me stop posting for so long, except for the fact that this month was rather crazy hectic at work. I love this blog, but to be honest, my priorities have shifted a lot since 2012. I'm no longer a student with extra time - I'm no longer working part time, I'm no longer a flight attendant with an abundance of travel stories to gain traction and reads, I'm no longer working a regular 9-5 that affords me time for a 5-9 for supplemental income. My time has been purchased by a job that does take a lot more than the average 40 hours per week, and I run my own business on the side.

Writing has always been such a relaxing, wonderful thing, but over time as life intruded, I found myself starting blog posts and never really finishing them until they were irrelevant to even post. And so hence lies my reason for hiatuses - I don't stop writing here for that long, I just never finish my posts. I have about 40 unfinished posts here of thoughts and reflections that are simply not relevant anymore to share. I would love to come back to writing, my creative work, and build something again one day, but here's to honesty: I'm sure I've lost most of my readers by now, and I no longer get sponsorship emails for this blog. It wasn't a lot to begin with, but it would have led to some traction if I were able to keep up.

I don't just blog so that it can serve me a purpose of income, but I do need to spend my time wisely with the people in my life and be a good steward of my work. It has been a bit of a balance I don't think I've been able to quite manage over the past few years. To be honest, I feel a little trapped - I have all of these thoughts I'd like to share, ideas I'd like to run with. My podcast has been sitting dormant, and yet I have hopes to one day respark it and share more short form reflections of what God has been teaching me through Scripture.

But that being said, I'd love to just give you all an update. I feel detached from social media nowadays, and I feel like I don't get to share enough of my life with whoever is left here as a reader of my innermost thoughts. I hope you're all doing well.

As I mentioned, it has been a bit rough here and there without my little Nappeunni. Work has been getting busy, which is a good distraction on days I especially miss him, but not very good in terms of letting me channel my creative side :) I love events, and I love that for my day job, I get to work on events, but let's be honest - corporate events just don't have the same creative flair and fun and outlet as working weddings, celebrations of life, birthdays, dohls, engagements, proposals, and such. I am glad to still have my side business, but knowing that I have to wisely block out certain months and times of the year makes it a bit harder for me to really enjoy and expand on my business.

As for personal growth, these few months have been very stretching. My husband was able to find a job (yay!) and we have been planning our wedding (finally). It has brought up so much hurt from years of abuse that my mother has put me through. It has been really upsetting to watch my husband try to defend me against her, and hearing that she tells him to not be tricked by me because she has done a lot for me. My husband doesn't even speak Cantonese - but he hears her tone of voice and how she addresses me in her voice notes. He's been able to use an AI translator to get the gist of what she says, and defended me from there. He brought up times where we dropped everything to help her - how even though I was working until late on my birthday and had to get to work early the next day, we went over to her house to help her with moving after work. Even though I was even working that Saturday, we went right after my work to help her, and even right after serving at church, we went over again to assist her that Sunday. And never once did she wish me a happy birthday over the course of that entire weekend. But I've expected it, she's always said that my birth was her armageddon, and it wasn't fair of me to celebrate it.

There's been a lot of things that make me reflect on why I am the way I am. Years of being told "what's wrong with you?" when I draw a boundary has made me hesitate to say no. Years of being told I'm horrible for not caring when my schedule doesn't fit her in right away makes me question whether I’m kind enough. Years of being told I should be willing to drop everything simply because she's been my mother has made me feel like I’m indebted to her. Years of telling me I'm crazy and remembering things wrong has made me wonder if I am. Years of being told my sacrifices were the bare minimum of my responsibility made me believe I am selfish. Years of her pitting me against my sister has made me question and compare everything. Years of her refusing to listen to me and using me as the scapegoat has taught me to be silent and endure injustice against myself. Years of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells in my own home has made me too careful and afraid in friendships and relationships.

I've been working through a lot of questions: How do I honor my mother when she is clearly toxic? How do I respect her when she has no respect for me? How do I draw boundaries without triggering her toxic behaviors? I love her as she is my mother, but I also hate that she is my mother. How do you reconcile these feelings of unfairness, hurt, and betrayal from someone who was supposed to love and protect you? How do I reconcile that she is someone who doesn't rejoice in having me as her daughter, but rather rejoices in having a built in translator and worker, and rues that I now have my own family?

As much as my husband wants to protect me, I must protect him from my own mother. And with wedding planning, her toxic behaviors have already intruded into a lot of aspects that have made it harder to enjoy this exciting time of being able to celebrate our marriage with loved ones. The things she's been saying are atrocious: "He's my son now, too, so ask him to do it" - when I am unavailable for a few days. Mind you, they can't even communicate due to a language barrier! “I am marrying off my daughter so he should do what I ask.” “I don’t care what his customs are, he has to respect me”.

I feel like all of these points of tension are now coming to a head where I need to stand firm to not only protect my peace, but to also protect my family. The Bible says to cleave from our parents - as our spouse should be the most important (after God). My husband is my ministry partner and we must support each other. He is my ministry partner in life and over our future children. He and I will walk life together until death do us part, and I won’t let my mother come between that. And I know my mother won’t understand that, and always see everything I do and say as a threat.

It’s been a grueling season trying to figure out what it means to be a daughter of Christ, living on this side of eternity with a mother who is not a reflection of God’s love.

Please pray for my husband and I in seeking peace and dealing with my mother. To be honest, I am so excited for when we inevitably move out of state, so that I can be far from her again. I think that is the saddest truth of why I miss the east coast so much. Please also pray for wisdom in handling things with my mother, grace, and strength to cling onto God :)

I hope you are all doing well, and I will hopefully catch you the next time I get a breather!