Happy Father's Day!
I didn't really know how to write this post, because just the thought of Father's Day brings such anguish to my heart and soul. How do I go through this day when my daddy is not with me? I can't contact him via phone, email, or Skype. I can't hear his voice, have him pet my head, or even hold his hand.
However, going to church today, God reminded me that love is everlasting. It's not something that is fleeting, lasting only the lifetime that is here on earth.
A couple weeks after my father's passing, I attended a wedding. A part of me had so much fear that I would break down. My father always told me he wanted to walk me down the aisle and give me away to the man who will take on his job of protecting me and caring for me, and love me as he loves me. He never had that chance, and I would be lying if there wasn't a tugging of jealousy in my heart as I watched my beautiful friend walk down the aisle, arms linked with her father. A bit of me was even angry -- God, why did you take away this chance from my own father and I? We would have been cute, looking like female and male versions of each other, walking down the aisle as family and friends witnessed him giving me away to a future of happiness. He suffered so much in his sickness, why couldn't he have just that one thing that could give him happiness and closure? During the reception, instead of a father-daughter dance, the bride and her father decided to sing a song: Amazing Grace. A little background story: That was the last song I sung my father as he lay in the ICU. My father was not a believer, but he always smiled and rested well whenever I sang to him praise songs. Having grown up attending Catholic and Christian schools, he saw a lot of corruption within the church that made him turn away from God, instead opting to just believe "as long as you're a good person, it's good". However, as he lay there in a coma as his vitals failed, he opened his eyes widely when the pastor entered. He gripped my hand tightly at that time, and I sang to him until he relaxed once more. After that, the pastor told him one last time about only needing to accept Jesus and His saving grace to enter Heaven, so that we can meet again. Soon after the pastor left, he opened his eyes once more before slipping away, and I want to believe that it is him letting me know that he knows that he accepted, and will see us again in our Heavenly Father's Kingdom. I burst out in tears when I heard that was the song the bride chose to sing with her father, because it really felt as though God was reminding me that my father will be with me, every step of the way on my wedding day. Even if he cannot be present physically, he will be there because his love did not end the day his life did.
Again today, the song that the praise team played was yet again, "Amazing Grace". I couldn't help but cry, as the lyrics were sung again and again: "I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind, but now I see." I came to Christ when my father first fell ill, and it was the only way I could find peace -- that there is a God who loves us and sees us as His children, and has a plan for all of our lives. I lived my life so lost and blind to the fact that I am not alone, but the truth is: I fell back into feeling lost and alone when my father passed. I didn't have someone to affirm that I'm his favourite cat anymore, I didn't have a someone to go to when I'm upset anymore, I didn't have a silly wake up call anymore, I didn't have a daddy anymore. But these thoughts are all wrong. I know I was always his favourite cat, and I still am. I have a God that I can turn to whenever I am sad, because He is our Father. I still have a meowing alarm clock on days that I have to get up ridiculously early. My father might not be alive on earth anymore, but he is still my daddy, and I also have a greater father: God. These are things that will never change, and nothing can take that away from me.
I hope you are all having fun celebrating Father's day with your own father, father figure, grandpa, etc.! And fathers, I hope you are having a swell time letting us try to spoil you for once!