Thursday Thumper?

I couldn't think of an alliteration for Thursday, sorry.

I'm so frustrated because my health took over, and I just crashed before I could even begin yesterday's Wednesday in the Word.

For those of you who may have not been following my health journey this past year, I can only say that I've been in bed these past few months more than I usually am in an entire year. This past week has made me sink a little deeper into my thoughts and feelings of helplessness and depression, and I'm sure that is also influencing my health.

On Saturday, I was put on steroids to see if that could help in reducing inflammation in my lungs and airways (infections are all clear, yay!). I had a reaction to the previous antibiotics that they had given me, and started coughing to the point of retching, so the doctor prescribed a cough medication alongside the steroids. By early Tuesday, I felt so inflamed all over. My skin felt really hot, thin and itchy; light scratching would break it open, and it felt like I had chunks of hardened flesh where it was itchiest. My stomach was not feeling too well, very bloated and gassy. My lips were also swollen and painful to the touch. I feel like it's not even that I'm actually usually allergic to the medication, I think my body is just so sick of medicine that it's rejecting everything.

I was told to just stop taking the medications and pop a couple Benadryl a day, and that I would be set up with a pulmonary specialist. That was Tuesday, and while I was stressed about the financial costs of all this (despite having healthcare), I was encouraged that at least I will be going to a doctor who specializes in lungs, and may be able to fix me. After taking two Benadryl, I felt a lot better by evening.

What I didn't expect was yesterday to hit me like a train wreck in the early afternoon. The thing with the medication I was prescribed is that you're not supposed to stop cold turkey (unless of course, you have a reaction, like I did). Yesterday was my first day steroid free, and my body freaked out. I went from 6 pills > 5 pills > 4 pill > 1 Pill > Nothing, and yesterday felt like the apocalypse just came and took over. I was nauseous and fatigued and tired. I forced myself to eat, but by the end of the day, I couldn't keep any food down.

Today, I feel much better, but still tired. I don't know if this tiredness is just rooted in being tired from yesterday's lack of food intake (or at least food intake that stayed down), or if it's still attributed to not taking the medication. Or maybe it's just Benadryl doing it's thing. I took another two pills today: my skin still has some open wounds and scratch marks, and some of the more severely itchy areas are still a little hard to the touch, but the swelling and tenderness has come down a lot. I'm not feeling too bloated today, and though my lips are still really red, they're not puffy at all. My throat is itchy and scratchy from the coughing, but the coughing itself is honestly a lot better. I'm mostly concerned with the "drowning" feeling I get when I wake up, and the fact that my cough is still existent at all.

My devotionals these days have been leading me and urging me to trust God more, and to praise Him even in these weird, tough times. While I know it in my brain, I feel myself losing faith that I'll ever get better, losing hope that my lungs are just ruined, and just feeling sad and frustrated and mad... and feelings that I can't really even figure out, in regards to this situation. These past months have been a roller coaster of emotions, and I just want to be normal again. I want to not be scared to even step out, because I realize my lungs are weaker than my triceps, and probably wouldn't stand a chance against COVID. I want to be able to exercise without doing super-low intensity modifications so as to not trigger coughing. I want to be able to not feel that annoying pressure that bursts coughs out of me. I want to get rid of the pain I have when I take deep breaths. I want to just breathe regularly. I have so many desires and wants, but meanwhile the world seems to also be going into a downward spiral. I've been so emotional this past month with the ups and downs of my health, and I know in my heart that's not right. We were called to be led by Christ, not our circumstances, and I'm having such a hard time surrendering my health to Him. I have so many wants and desires, and I feel selfish asking for these simple things that I never appreciated before. I feel wrong for asking these things when there is so much going on in a global scale. My thoughts and feelings regarding this is all over the place, but I do know this: my unwillingness to surrender is costing me. It's affecting my compassion and willingness to serve (though I may argue my ability to serve is also rather incapacitated at this moment), it's keeping me from thanking God and praising Him wholeheartedly, and I'm honestly just a mess.

Here's to going into the weekend feeling more confident in God! Please pray for me~