To Be a Fish

Hello jello beans!

I hope you had an awesome couple of weeks! It has been one heck of a season with work and events, and I'm encountering quite a large technical difficulty at the moment, so I thought I'd go ahead and take a break to share a devotional :)

In light of Halloween, one of the things that I've been thinking about a lot is how we're called to dine with sinners as Jesus did, but being set apart. Halloween can be so controversial in the Christian space - whether it's okay to celebrate or not due to its pagan roots: if it's just being a part of an American tradition that has torn itself away from its non-Judea origins, if it's slipping into sin by indulging in the festivities.

For myself, I never really grew up celebrating Halloween - not due to religious reasons, but simply because I grew up in an immigrant family that felt Halloween costumes were not a worthy cause to splurge on, so we always went with makeshift costumes with clothing we had at home. When I was younger, I didn't really see the difference between my outfits from my classmates', but as I grew up, I remembered realizing that my friends' costumes were actually meant to be costumes. Around that time was also when my classmates began to recognize that I was not wearing real Halloween costumes, and I was picked on: "So what are you supposed to be?" I wasn't any known superhero or princess, nor anything specifically scary. It did change in high school when people became more creative about DIYing their costumes, but to be honest, I never felt like I fit in. When I was younger, I felt like I was not American enough to partake in Halloween, and as I grew up, it became I was not pretty or sexy enough, to pull off some of the costumes that would have been suitable. Not to mention, money was always an issue in terms of affording costume pieces and DIY materials.

Now as an adult, there are times where I find myself actually needing to dress up for Halloween due to work events and functions. I think is refreshing to live a part of my childhood that I didn't really get to, especially now without the teenage angsty shame that comes with body dysmorphia.

Fitting in was such an important struggle for me growing up, and now as an adult who has chosen the path towards Christ, fitting in is not really the forefront of my mind, but I also acknowledge that is important to be able to fit in in some ways to be able to converse, empathize, and love on others. Jesus didn't walk around with a holier-than-thou sized chip on his shoulder. He placed Himself as a normal man, a blue-collar carpenter, walking with and dining with sinners. His apostles were a jumble of different characters and backgrounds. However, He was also set apart and showed Himself to be God: He healed the sick, forgave lepers, challenged societal norms, and more. He met people as they were, and embraced them as they are. I feel like the brand of Christianity of today that gets seen the most are the Christians who do see themselves as holier and better than others, and rather than fleeing sin, they flee the people struggling in sin; rather than loving God, they love the law.

I think something that I am very blessed by is that I was able to live a life as a "good" non-Christian before becoming a Christian. I don't have a crazy "I did everything and everybody and trashed my life" story. I was generally a good person - good student, nice and polite, donated, worked hard, didn't cheat through school, accepted consequences and foul cards with as much grace and dignity as I could; I was always known as the responsible mediator whenever my friends fought, and even had friends come to my house at 3AM/4AM asking for couple's counseling. I don't think very many of my classmates would think much otherwise of me than the quiet and shy girl who always did her best.

However, becoming a Christian did still change me a lot. Following Christ meant understanding it's not about what I do, but what Christ had already done for me. Growing up, it was always up to me to be good. It was always up to me to be smart, wise, kind, and more. To be honest, it was hard, especially when my 110% didn't always mean I received anything back. I was still bullied, taken advantage of, and I still felt inadequate. I did everything "right", but somehow I still wasn't able to achieve my dream college, a close knit group of friends, and I couldn't love myself. There are still things I struggle with, that is certain, but if I had known about Christianity all my life - if I grew up with a mother who loved me as a Christian and never pitted my sister and I against each other, if I went to church from a youngster and made church friends like my classmates, if I was consistently reassured that Jesus loved me, I might not have had the same experience of being "perfect", and yet utterly broken and unable. I might not be able to empathize with someone whose sorrows led them down a bad path. I might not be able to testify in a love that can completely transform everything.

Jesus didn't choose the apostles because they were perfect. He chose them when they were nowhere near holy, and he made them into fishers of men. For those who don't know the reference, when Jesus first called Simon (Peter) and Andrew to be his disciples, he said:

Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.

-Matthew 4:19

The brothers were fishermen, in that context, that statement is definitely a little weird, especially knowing that fish were their source of food and income. However, with the context of the gospel, it is clear what Jesus meant. After Jesus' crucifixion, Peter had no idea what to do, especially because he spoke so highly of his faithfulness to Jesus, but he denied even knowing Him 3 times to protect himself after Jesus was arrested. Peter went back to fishing because that was all he knew before Jesus, but He couldn't catch any fish. Jesus, in His resurrected form, told Peter to cast his fishnet to the other side, and got a LOT of fish.

Even though Peter, the professional fisherman, can fish, Jesus showed him that even that is impossible without Him. While Peter reeled in a net-full of fish, it was Jesus who had fished Peter out of his shame, his sorrow, his mundane fishing life to become a fisher of men - to fish others out of their sin. It is that testimony of Peter that lets him say that he φιλία (philia - brotherly) loves Jesus, but that Jesus' ἀγάπη (agape - unconditional) love is greater. It is because of his sin that Peter was able to be closer to Jesus and recognize His holiness and perfection that much more.

And even then - following Christ does not make us perfect. We are all sinners, so who are we to judge other sinners? Having discernment to not act sinfully is not the same as shaming others for having different life choices. We were all once fish before we were fished out by Jesus - flopping around trying to go back into the depths of our sinful nature before letting go of our old selves, but regardless, we were made whole in Christ, not because of our own actions, but because of Jesus. And likewise, someone else is not less than because of their actions, and we can't view them as such. And between fellow believers, we definitely shouldn't be judging one another's faith by our actions; we don't know what sins others struggle with, or are dealing with.

And if we're honest with ourselves, there are many times as Christians where we revert to the flopping, sinful fish we once were, rather than the fisher of men that we are called to be. We have to learn to come to terms with our sinfulness - we are not perfect. Through Christ we are freed from judgement and can take on His identity of perfection, but that doesn't mean we have the right in this world to assign blame to nonbelievers. As a part of this fallen world, we are part of every problem there is, and until we own up to our own mistakes and help find a solution, we're really not being the salt and light, but a sounding board of blame and avoiding responsibility. Are we able to put ourselves in the shoes of others?

What are some things you find yourself struggling to not judge others for? And what are some ways you realize you are shameful in, and fear the judgement of others?