I am aware that it has been almost a month since my last post, and I apologize for that. To be honest, it's been a pretty crazy month, and I've just needed rest. Not that I got any with the onslaught of major workload and school-load. Alas, it is finals week next week (finally!) and in the midst of rushing 3k more words due by 11:59PM today, I wanted to take some time to procrastinate and reconnect with you all. This really is going to just mostly be like a stream of consciousness, and I have really no idea what I will be talking about.
Without giving too much intimate details, I received information that has caused me a lot of stress and fear. As much as I know that God will be in control of it all and that regardless of what happens next, I need to just accept with grace and follow His lead, I'm scared of the unknown. I find myself so alone, because there really isn't anyone that I feel comfortable sharing all of this information with, all my thoughts and feelings. It's been something I feel like I'm battling alone. Even though I know God is here alongside me, walking with me through every battle, there is a huge part of me who is not ready to surrender the outcomes that I want, versus the outcome that God has already appointed.
With these fears and feelings of loneliness, I realize the clock is ticking. I kind of feel embarrassed to talk about it, but I always had a timeline that I wanted to stick with. I have followed everything to a T, from when I graduate, when I would find a job... etc. However, I haven't really been able to follow my plans when it comes to romance. I know, it sound really ridiculous. When it comes to matters that I can sort of control, of course things can go "smoothly" and "according to [my] plan", but when it comes to something that requires another person... it has to go according to God's plan as well as the other person's free will, too. I always wanted to get married by 26 or 27, so that I could have a year or two to adjust to married life, before popping out a baby/adopting a child. I know I have so many things to work on in my character before something like marriage and motherhood, but as time ticks by, I realize I'm further and further away from reaching my goals.
To be honest, one of the things I struggled to accept with my mother was not just the cultural gap, but the generational gap. Because she was a housewife who wasn't really exposed to American culture, it was really hard for her to connect with my sister and I. It still is hard, and I'd be lying if I said a part of me doesn't resent that. I appreciate the fact that I am much more sensitive to my roots and Asiatic culture than many of my American-born friends, but there are times where I do that my mother could understand my perspective as an AsAm a little better. In experiencing these struggles, I want to be a younger mother so I will have an easier time adapting to the times as my child(ren) grows up, and will have the energy to run around with them.
And of course, in thinking of children, I would need to find a good man to be a husband and father, whether biological or someone I adopt with. That requires a lot of discernment in finding someone that is not the perfect husband or father, but can grow with me in becoming the perfect husband and wife, father and mother for our circumstances. I need someone who can teach me, lead me, and encourage me to support him, love him, and trust him. I need someone who I can work with, and we should challenge each other to look to God to build our family ministry. But is that what I'm looking for and honestly desire?
It has plagued my mind a lot these days. Am I seeking because I'm lonely and trying to meet a self-inflicted deadline? Am I seeking because I want someone to share experiences with, have accountability with, and talk to? Or am I truly seeking someone I can spend the rest of my life glorifying God with? Things to ponder and wrestle with. In His time, I am certain that God will either lead me to someone, or give me peace in remaining alone. Now, if only I can have peace in it not being in my timing. #rebelliouschild Who knows? God provides.